Why We Don’t Feel Our Mother and Father Wounds Until the “Wake-Up” in Adulthood

If you’re like me, you didn’t really feel the effects of the Mother and Father Wounds until later in life.

This is actually common because, as children, we are wired for attachment over truth.

If a parent is emotionally immature, unpredictable, or even neglectful, the child adapts in whatever way ensures they will still receive care and connection—normalizing dysfunction because seeing the truth could feel too dangerous. We literally need our parents to survive.

So instead of questioning their behavior, we internalize it:

✔ “If mom is cold or critical, it must be because I’m too much.”

✔ “If dad is dismissive, it must mean I don’t matter.”

✔ “If I have to be perfect to receive love, I better not mess up.”

We shape-shift, suppress, and self-abandon to keep the attachment intact. And because this happens pre-verbally and continues through development, it just feels normal.

Until the “Wake-Up” in Adulthood.

By the time we are no longer fully dependent on our parents, we have more emotional and cognitive capacity to process our past. We enter relationships and suddenly patterns emerge—maybe we attract emotionally unavailable partners, feel unheard, or struggle with boundaries.

We start to experience emotional flashbacks—sudden waves of shame, fear, or worthlessness that don’t quite make sense in the moment. We realize that certain dynamics with friends, lovers, or coworkers mirror childhood hurts—a sign that old attachment wounds are running the show.

Often, the intensity of these realizations is what makes it feel like the pain has “gotten worse,” but in reality, we are just becoming aware of what was always there.

Some of the biggest activators of Mother/Father Wounds are romantic relationships and becoming a parent.

✔ If we had an emotionally immature mother, we might feel triggered by deep emotional needs in relationships, either avoiding them (“I don’t need anyone”) or clinging to them (“Please don’t leave me”).

✔ If we had an unavailable father, we might attract emotionally distant partners or feel unworthy of true devotion.

✔ If we become parents, we might see our own childhood wounds reflected in how we instinctively treat our own children, which can be deeply confronting.

These moments force our subconscious wounds to the surface, demanding to be seen and healed.

Another reason all our shit is shown to us later in life is because this is when the nervous system becomes less “numb”.

Many of us spent childhood dissociating or numbing ourselves to emotional pain. As we heal, our nervous system thaws out—and suddenly, we feel more.

✔ That’s why old memories that felt “fine” before suddenly feel devastating when they resurface.

✔ This is also why reconnecting to our bodies through movement, breath, or sensuality often stirs up deep emotions.

The pain isn’t new—it’s just no longer buried.

As we mature, there’s also a natural shift from external validation to self-validation.

In our younger years, we’re too focused on proving ourselves—through our careers, relationships, and accomplishments—to pause and reflect on how much of that striving comes from unmet childhood needs.

But in our 30s, 40s, and beyond, we start to question everything:

• Why do I still feel like I’m never enough, even when I “achieve” things?

• Why do I still feel like I have to perform for love?

• Why does success feel hollow?

• What DOES actually bring me great joy, and what’s stopping me from pouring my heart and soul into THAT?

This is the turning point where inner work becomes more important than outer success—because no achievement will heal a wound that needs attention.

Healing looks like this:

✔ Recognizing the wound doesn’t mean blaming your parents. It means freeing yourself from the patterns they unconsciously passed down.

✔ Grieving the childhood you didn’t get is part of healing. Feeling that sadness isn’t self-indulgent—it’s self-reclamation.

✔ Reparenting yourself isn’t about fixing. It’s about learning how to provide what you never received—safety, validation, unconditional love.

✔ The Somatic piece (somatic means of the body) is also crucial to healing. You may’ve heard the adage, “We have to feel it to heal it “. It’s important to learn how to alchemize stuck energy and big emotions into wisdom and fuel for transformation.

This is why spaces like Slow & Wild and Book Dommes are so powerful. They allow us to explore these wounds without shame, release the “issues from our issues”, rewrite the patterns that bind us, and create new narratives around how we relate to ourselves and others.

The pain of the past isn’t something to endure—it’s a portal.

To deeper love, self-knowledge, and liberation.

And that’s what we’re here for.

📚 Together in Book Dommes, we’re:

• Dismantling the conditioning that taught us to shrink and seek approval over authenticity

• Naming the patterns, breaking the spell, and reclaiming what was lost

• Join us.

Healing happens in community, not isolation.

Here for all of it,

💋 Kris (aka Venus)